Vincible Difficulties: Finally A Bit of Real Scottish Weather.

Well, clearly I should stop making promises about updating this thing because all it does is stresses me out! Anyway, below are the pictures of our flat - I wasn't able to update because our internet has been non-existent for most of Wednesday & Thursday, but it's back! Thus, an update.

So Wednesday I woke up at a ridiculously inconvenient time, around noon, and thus didn't have much time to do anything before going to Pause (sitting in silence for an hour, then sharing a meal together). But I sprung out of bed, did yoga and jumped out the door so I'd get a bit of time outside. I walked to the Meadow Bank shopping park, where I've been countless times now, and looked for a coat - no such luck, so I think I'll try some charity shops next week. After coming home I realized I'd forgot what I had originally went out for which was ingredients for the soup we were making for Pause - so rushed back out to the mart and bought half of what I was supposed to but Kurt picked up the rest on his way home. We chopped the swede and potatoes in prep for cooking it once we got there. As Kurt went off to make a call and I stood alone chopping in our kitchen, I thought about what it would be like sitting in silence for an hour - listening to people breathe, cough, shift their body weight. I wondered if there were things everyone did at least once throughout the hour or what the seating arrangement would look like for the 10 or so of us there.

So, Kurt and I walked over, took about 10 minutes but it felt longer because of the winds jerking us around. Once we approached the door on Montgomery Street, I noticed how different the buildings looked from our area just a couple blocks away. We were walking in the direction to the West End of Edinburgh and even on the outskirts of the downtown center, the flats looked really nice. I felt excited and more sure of my decision on a nice blouse and cardigan (made me a look a little fancy). We were buzzed in and this wonderful lady, kind of reminded me of Michelle the way she smiled, opened the door for us. She embraced Kurt with a hug which I thought was so inviting and she warmly touched my shoulder and invited me in. We went into her kitchen and I immediately was flabbergasted. She had an uncountable amount of pictures of people's hands - old, young and in between, and they were all framed covering every square inch of her kitchen. I just stared at them all - some black and white, some with blazing color, but all of them open palm like an invitation. I regained composure and helped make the soup before Pause began. Then at 18:30 Kurt said I could go out and start Pause now. I grabbed my paperback and drawing book and opened the large white door and entered the room. There was already three people in there sitting in silence - one looked up and smiled, the other had his eyes closed while curled up on the couch and the woman whom I'd met at the door, Wendy, was sitting in a rocker, eyes shut and very still. I made my way over to the other couch as quietly as I could and sat down. I scanned the room - high ceilings like our flat, oriental looking pillows on the floor grouped in two so that they made makeshift chairs, and a vast amount of books on shelves all the way up one wall almost to the ceiling. There also was a coal fireplace warming the room. I sat there in silence for the hour. Really there was nothing to it - I've actually never felt so comfortable around strangers. You're not counting the minutes because there's no clock which made it very calm. Erin knitted quietly in the corner, and a lady who came in a bit after fell asleep sitting on the other couch. Another bunch of people would make their way in throughout the hour but never really interrupted the peace of it all. Although as I sat there I unfortunately was bombarded with very depressing thoughts right away about the state of things in different aspects in my life, but I decided to actually approach them while in this space. It just felt right and safe to do so. I knew I wouldn't be interrupted as I thought them through, which I think made it more of a possibility for me to confront a few demons, so to speak. As the hour was coming to a close, Wendy placed music on that was calming enough to bring us out of our thoughts but invigorating enough by the end of the song to bring us back to reality. She greeted us all and welcomed everyone and Erin and I snuck off to the kitchen to finish the soup. The soup was served - it was a root type soup blended with soy sauce (potatoes, swede, carrots, onion, garlic) and complemented by bread. As we ate I talked to Tom, who'd helped us move just two days prior, and learned a bit about scaffolding and roofing which I found surprisingly more interesting, though it could have just been the way he told it. Everyone began a discussion about Scotland becoming independent of the UK which I wasn't aware of. They talked about the pros and cons and expressed it with a mixture of lingo that I deciphered in my head throughout the conversation - noted some of them for later when I have to make conversation! I met Phil and Finn who are from Northern Ireland, and as I found out from them, people from Northern Ireland will never shut up. They can talk about everything and anything and will go on about pointless things forever. I was more amused then put off though and eagerly listened to their conversations on the best whiskey and about their lives outside Pause. Phil's a drumming instructor for younger lads which I found really intriguing. There was this other man Simon, who is the "other half" to Phil's brother, Johnny and he was the sweetest man I've met so far. He talked to me about the ballet and about things I've seen while I've been here, and he would suggest things to see. I really enjoyed my time at Pause. There's also talk of a Pause Retreat for a weekend in March which I hope I'd be able to go to - you know, funds permitting of course. Then Erin, Kurt and I went home, shared some wine and crisps and headed to bed.

Thursday, I dealt with a seemingly incapable internet repair guy who was here longer than I thought so I didn't have a chance to go to the park and walk around, which was what I wanted to do while it would be dry in the morning. I went out anyways to pick up a few groceries but once I'd left Sainsbury's the rain was in full force. It was actually snow about 3 blocks into my walk home but none of it stuck. Did I mention I don't have an umbrella?? I took refugee in the Scotmid near our home and got a few more things then briskly walked home. I decided to do yoga before Kurt got home with Josh. Oh right, Josh is our new roomie who will be staying with us until the beginning of February when he starts his lease with his new flat. He's coming from Toronto and he'd previously studied with Kurt at Regent. He's coming to Edinburgh to study at the University for a while, though I forget for what. Anyway Kurt calls me and tells me his friend never got off the two planes from Heathrow so he's coming home. Kurt made dinner and we ate it before going through the inventory for the house provided by the landlords... I spent some time reading Edgar Allen Poe, who I never realized was such an intoxicating writer. I read Eleonora and a bit of W.S. Merwin before Erin came home. Erin and Kurt skyped their friends who just had a baby girl two days ago - she was so pink! I forget what babies look like sometimes when they're that new. Afterwards, we ate crisps and watched Modern Family together and it was hilarious! Then, Kurt finds out that his friend actually got the days mixed up and will be coming today. So tonight I think we're all staying in, maybe invite him to play a game with us or just hang out.

Last night I skyped my mum and brother!!!!!! It was unbelievably relieving to see their faces, and my cat Octo. It was around 23:30 my time when we started and around midnight when we ended, though it felt shorter. It was so heartwarming to see them smile and show excitement as they first saw my face popup on Skype. I really underestimated how much I missed them after a week after being able to see them everyday for 20 years. These things I realize while away (people I miss, routines I didn't know I partook in, habits I didn't know I'd miss so much, etc.) all these things make me more aware of who I am as a person, and everyday I'm here I learn something new about myself. This is truly an experience of a lifetime, and although it looks like I'll be coming home in July (signs point that way), I think I'll be getting more out of this trip than I had initially imagined. Will those things always be good? Probably not, but I'm ready.

Pictures of the flat!