It's OFFICIAL

I leave from Edinburgh at 8.20am and arrive in Vancouver at midnight.

I cannot believe it.  I'm also trying to go through all my stuff and get rid of things... but to no avail.

See you in 7 weeks Canada.

Helloooo

Well Scotland, it's been swell.

I'm now in the homestretch - only 11 weeks left here.  I can't explain the mixed emotions of sadness and excitement that I feel, mostly because I don't know which one is hitting me the hardest.

I never looked at this experience with an end because it always felt, and will always feel, like my heart and soul were born here.  The immeasurable love and comfort this city and it's people have given me will remain a permanent stamp on who I am as a person now.  I love it - I'm addicted to the feeling of being home.  I also know going back it won't be the same.  No matter how sad and lonely I felt living in Vancouver (I should stress this was a personal struggle and the beautiful people I was surrounded with helped keep my head above water), I know it won't be what it was once I step on that soil, once again I'm enclosed by the big lights in a big city, but I think I've got a stronger skeleton to hold me together.

2 years! Whew does time fly!! I left at 20 years old - barely out of diapers (haha).  I'm older now but I don't feel as haggard as I did.  The excitement aforementioned is to share who I am with the people I love who I haven't seen in donkies.  It's been ages now that I reflect on it but as you can probably imagine it doesn't feel like that.  It's crazy how I get flashes sometimes of your faces and it makes me smile to know that I will see you soon.

I haven't really spoken much of my plans of coming home but they are loosely based on this:
- afford a ticket home
- get home safe and sound
- eat a buttload of sushi
- celebrate Christmas
- celebrate New Years (2014!)
- settle
- find a job
- sort out obvious moving-away-and-not-looking-back issues
- save money again for future endeavors

There happens to be another influence in my life now.  I mean the timing of it is comical!  I met this amazingly beautifully honest person named Jener who is a born and bred Scotsman.  He's also my best friend.  Now I've been here for a whole year and 7 months before we were introduced so it's a little disheartening to only have 11 weeks left here.  I really hope that I can introduce you all to him someday.  You will have to look up because he is 6 foot 7 inches tall.  I know that long-distance is a death sentence in most cases but, I'm not ready to give up just yet, so I won't.

I have to say that the talk of goodbye parties has brought tears to my eyes but I will most definitely make the most of them nonetheless and go out with a bang!

Hopefully I'll be back for good someday.  Where there's a will, there is a way.  But for now I'm preparing to come back to Vancouver and start the next chapter in my life.

A x

I Will!

Be coming home.  I want to stay so much but I can't justify the cost - enough said.  If a more feasible/non-life destroying option arises, I'll take it, but I can't see that happening!  Sad ending to this fairy-tale I suppose.

I don't know what's going to happen when I get back but I'll worry about it nonetheless.

Anyway the countdown has officially begun - in 9 months I will step foot on Canadian soil.

Rae xx

Plans

So.  There is a distinct possibility at this point that I could be coming home in January of next year, only to come back to Scotland.  There's a commitment I need to decide whether or not to make and it's been pretty difficult.  Commitments are never easy but the potential awards can't be valued... so what is does one do?

There's also a very good possibility that due to some friendly mates, I could head over to Australia for a couple years.  Manual labour but guaranteed good times.

Then, and not least, there's Vancouver.

I tend to hold onto decisions until finally I realize that I've already made my mind up from the very start... but here, where I stand right now, there is no way to tell.

I am in the pursuit of happiness... and oh, what a ride it has been.  I would never limit myself to a set plan - I packed up and headed for Edinburgh without any clue about a job, no friends, and no idea about the culture/people; however, I can certainly say that was the way to go.  No expectation made me vulnerable, and willing to rely on myself to get me by.  No group of friends to pick me up when I fell down or supportive answers of re-assurance to float my boat.  When reality hit, it hit hard, and I came to know who I am now.  Let me say that I was surprised at the capabilities I hold.  Having said that, I know that coming home... I'm not the same person.  I can genuinely admit that Vancouver, in all it's glory, is not my home.

It may be that I'm in some funk or just that everything is new and exciting so I want to cling on, but, I don't believe that.

I love my mum, my brother, my close family and all those who stuck around when times got tough.  I love the Dickaus; the emails and encouragement are limitless. If I could pack you all up and take you with me, I would.  I know I can't and so it's up to me to deal with the space and time that passes.  BUT, I want this.  I want to be out here, over there and everywhere.

I know blogging isn't regular, and I apologize.  I read every email yet I don't get back.  I do apologize.  There is a lot beyond my control going on, and for a control-freak like me, it's hard to find solid ground.

Love you lots,
Rae

p.s.  My bestest friends are visiting me.  I am such a happy little bee! xx